i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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