So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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