If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
