we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
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By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now