She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
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you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood