What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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