I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
