We named our party play list daddy issues
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
