I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
