please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
