I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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