Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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