My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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