I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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