she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
