I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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