btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
