Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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