you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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