People with herpes should wear stickers.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
