he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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