ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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