It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
