i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
