My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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