capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
