Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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