So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
