I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
