just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
