Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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