I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
