Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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