Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
