I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
