I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
