1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
