she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
