Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
