i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
