I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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