I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
