why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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