you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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