Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
