I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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