I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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