she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
