True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
