one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
