I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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