I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
