i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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