Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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