Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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