Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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