He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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