so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
