I'm gonna have a badass scar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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