i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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