Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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