I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
