Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
