he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
