You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
