whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
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