I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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